


You Love, Love, Love (When you know I can’t love)

by orphan_account



Series: You're My Best Friend [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Aromantic Alexander Hamilton, Aromantic Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Aromantic Bisexual Character, Aromantic Character, Aromanticism, Best Friends, Biphobia, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Break Up, Coming Out, He just wants love, Internalized Arophobia, Other, Salty ex, Theo is an awesome child, aaron is a good dad, aaron is a good roomate, amatonormativity, arophobes don't interact, exclusionists don't interact, future qqp, john is kinda shitty but he just had his heart broken things are complicated, just not that kind of love, please give it a chance, protect alex 2k19
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-07 22:25:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17969195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Marriage sounds like a lot of fun. I mean, you get to have a sleepover every night with your best friend! How cool is that?”Or, Alex discovers a brand new part of himself, and John doesn’t like it.





	You Love, Love, Love (When you know I can’t love)

**Author's Note:**

> I want to start with the disclaimer that, though I do relate to some aro experiences, I’m not aromantic myself (…I think. Tbh I’m a bit confused here), so I hope I’m getting everything right and if any aro person sees something wrong, please correct me and I’ll do my best to fix it.  
> This is the first part of a series I’m planning to write. Initially, I wanted to write some queerplatonic hamburr, which is still going to happen! But first I wanted to post this.  
> Work title from the song "Love, Love, Love", by Of Monsters And Men. Series title from Queen's "You're My Best Friend".

_“Well, maybe I'm a crook for stealing your heart away_  
_Yeah, maybe I'm a crook for not caring for it_  
_Yeah, maybe I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad person_  
_[Well, baby, I know](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beiPP_MGz6I)”_

_-Of Monsters And Men_

 

Alexander Hamilton had no time to lose. He jumped from his bed, put on the first clothes he could find and swallowed his breakfast like a hungry animal under the judgmental stare of his roommate.

“You’re going to choke on that cereal” Aaron said, quietly reading the newspaper. Who even read the newspaper in the fucking XXI Century?

“Bite me” was Alex’s response. He stuck out his tongue, and Aaron rolled his eyes.

He took a shower, not even bothering to get the right temperature. He had just gotten out when he realized he had forgotten to shave, but it was too late, and Aaron had already walked in for his turn in the shower.

Alexander didn’t have much else to do, so he anxiously paced around their small, two room apartment. It was the cheapest he could find, as a nineteen years old law student, an orphan without parents to support him. He even had to share the rent with Aaron Burr, of all people, another orphan, with only one or two more years of experience in the adult world than him.

“Burr!” Alexander called him over the weak, stuttering noise of the shower. “How much longer?”

“You just came out!” Burr shouted back.

Alex whined.

“I know, but I need to shave!”

“Well, you would have thought about it sooner”

What a jerk.

When he finally came out (the asshole didn’t have any hair to dry. Why was he taking so long?), Alex rushed inside and shaved so haphazardly he ended cutting himself a bit, on his chin.

Aaron shook his head, like a disappointed father.

“I wanted to tell you something” He said. He patiently took a sip of his coffee, and Alexander wanted to scream. Didn’t he see he was in a hurry?

“What is it?” He asked. While he waited for Burr to do something with his life, he went for his wallet and his phone. He didn’t have much money. Thank god his boyfriend was rich.

Aaron put down his mug.

“I won’t be home until around ten tonight. I just thought you might want to know”

Alex whined.

“You’re asking me to cook?”

Truth was Alexander was the one who cooked the most often. He wouldn’t let this… this _American_ come anywhere near the kitchen. It didn’t mean he enjoyed cooking. He just enjoyed decent meals and it was common knowledge that Americans couldn’t cook.

Aaron shrugged.

“Now that you mention it, that would be nice”

Alex whined again. Aaron chuckled.

“You sound like a five years old”

“Bite me”

Alexander didn’t have time to see Aaron raise his eyebrows and go back to his old man newspaper. He rushed for the door, ran downs the stairs (the elevator was way too slow) and only allowed himself to relax once he was on the moving bus.

His leg was bouncing. He looked out the window, admiring the view of New York. It was truly the best city in the entire world.

He looked for his phone in the pocked of his hoodie, and looked at the last text from John.

 ** _That Gay™_** **_:_** _Got a surprise for you tomorrow ;) <3_

Alex grinned. Whatever it was, it must be good. Oh boy, was it a gift? Was he taking him to any cool place? Could it be plane tickets, even?

Forever impatient, he texted.

 **_baby boy <3 <3:_ ** _on my way_

 **_That Gay™:_ ** _cant wait <3_

 **_baby boy <3 <3:_ ** _dude thats way_

 **_baby boy <3 <3:_ ** _gay*_

 **_That Gay™:_ ** _we are gay tho_

 **_baby boy <3 <3:_ ** _we are?_

 **_baby boy <3 <3:_ ** _oh right we are!_

 **_That Gay™:_ ** _i mean you did look pretty gay the other night on your knees ;)_

Alex bit down his lip, memories of last night flooding his mind.

 **_baby boy <3 <3:_ ** _im in the bus shut up_

 **_That Gay_ ** **_™:_ ** _;)_

 **_That Gay™:_ ** _cant wait to see you baby_

 **_baby boy <3 <3:_ ** _gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay_

 **_baby boy <3 <3:_ ** _john I told you a million times I dont like pet names_

 **_That Gay™:_ ** _then you dont want to know how I have you on my phone_

 **_That Gay™:_ ** _[Screenshot]_

 **_baby boy <3 <3:_ ** _JOHN WHAT THE FUCK_

 **_baby boy <3 <3:_ ** _I hate you_

 **_That Gay™:_ ** _;)_

 **_baby boy <3 <3:_ ** _“””baby boy <3 <3””” are you serious john_

 **_That Gay™:_ ** _I think its cute_

 **_baby boy <3 <3:_ ** _well you think wrong lol_

Alex pouted. Don’t get him wrong—he loved John. They had been friends for, what, ten years? Probably more. And they’d been dating for about two. He couldn’t imagine a life without John.

But then he did these things, he got all cheesy and romantic with him and Alex only felt uncomfortable.

But hey, he enjoyed his company. He enjoyed being with him. He loved him. And if kisses and cheesy words made him happy, then Alex was more than willing to oblige.

…

They met at their favorite café, the hipster one with Dalí and Picasso paintings in the walls that served food too expensive for Alex to go alone. John was waiting for him inside, in one of the tables by the window.

“Hey, baby” John greeted him. He gave him a quick kiss and Alex had to fight back the impulse to refuse it. He wasn’t a big fan of kisses.

“I’m not a baby” Alex argued, sitting in front of John.

John shrugged.

“Whatever you say, darlin’”

Alex made a face.

“Darlin’ is even worse. You sound like Jefferson”

A waitress came and asked for their orders. Alex ordered a simple coffee and John some weird expensive hipster milkshake. Once the waitress was out of earshot, Alex leaned in and asked.

“What’s the surprise”

John chuckled.

“Be patient, _cielo_ ”

Alex pouted.

“Dude, you keep me waiting all night and you still won’t tell me”

John raised an eyebrow.

“I thought you liked it when I kept you waiting”

Alex blushed fiercely.

“Not everything is about sex, John!”

The waitress brought them their food, and Alex rushed to gulp his coffee. The only reason why he hadn’t drunk his daily coffee at home was because he was so excited, he couldn’t wait the time it took to get it made.

“Be careful” John said, sipping at his hipster milkshake. It had ingredients that were probably about to go extinct. “Coffee is the last thing you want to choke on”

Now he wouldn’t have choked if he hadn’t said something like _that_.

“You sound like my roommate” Alex said, putting his mug down. He had stayed up the previous night, working on an essay. Coffee was a need.

“Well, I sure hope you and your roommate don’t do the same things as us” John replied with a wink.

“God, no” Alex sat back in his seat, and looked out of the window. The city was waking up, people were going to work and Alexander was going to wait until Burr decided to make something useful with his life. “The guy would probably have a stroke trying to choose between brands of lube”

He chuckled. John didn’t seem to appreciate his joke.

“Anyways, how is college?” he asked.

Alex shrugged.

“You say it as if it were hard”

“Oh, excuse me, Mr. Prodigy” John said with a hand on his chest, “I didn’t realize I wasn’t allowed to consider myself at your level. My apologies”

Alex rolled his eyes.

“Oh, come on! I bet freshman year was easier for you, too”

“Oh, sure last year was easier” John took another sip of his milkshake. “All the teachers are fucking elitist assholes”

“I mean” Alex gestured to the rest of the café. John kicked him under the table. “Hey!”

“You know I’m not like that”

Alex looked at his coffee. The cup was still half full.

“Well, thank god you’re not like them, and you perform acts of charity such as buying food for a poor orphan, bastard, immigrant…”

John kicked him again.

“I buy you food because I doubt you’d eat anything without me after you”

Alex shrugged again.

“For your information, I have Burr on his knees _begging_ me to cook almost every day”

“Well, I hope he’s only begging for your cook—cooking, right?”

It was Alex’s time to kick him.

“I am trying to have a coffee here, Laurens” he gestured to his coffee. “And I can’t do that if you make me think about cock”

“I’m not making you do _anything_ right now, love”

Alex grimaced.

“Don’t call me that”

John looked up, locking his eyes with his.

“As you wish, baby”

Alex rolled his eyes.

“Anyways—I wanted to tell you, you won’t guess who’s the new history teacher”

John raised an eyebrow.

“What happened to the other one?”

Alex shrugged.

“Pregnant. Straight people” His fingers nervously tapped on the table. “Do you remember Professor Washington?”

John blinked.

“From high school?”

Alex nodded.

“The one and only. I didn’t think a teacher’s pay was _so bad_ they needed to have two jobs” Another sip to his coffee. Then another. And another. “Anyways, that’s not the worst part. He _recognized_ me”

“Oh, no” John said. “Why is that bad?”

Why was that bad? _Why was that bad?_ There were a million reasons why that was bad!

“He won’t stop calling me _son_ all the fucking time. And asking me how I’m doing. And worst of all, not only does he call me _son_ , but he tries to be my _dad_ ”

Jon snorted. Then burst into a fit of laughter.

“It’s not funny, Laurens!” Alex huffed.

“I’m sorry!” He cried. “You have to admit, though, he has big dad energy”

“What does that even mean!? I don’t need a dad. I survived nine wonderful years without a dad. And I turned out perfect!”

He thought he had left it behind. That he wouldn’t see Washington ever again. But every single ‘ _Son’_ , every single _‘Are you okay?’_ threw him back like a brutal slap to his high school years, having dinner at the Washington’s, Martha attending to his bruises, the cigarette burns _(“I know you don’t smoke, Alexander, so don’t try to lie to me”)_ , or crying into George’s shoulder, his tiny frame shaking with ragged sobs.

He didn’t need a dad. Or a mom. He survived his entire childhood in the program and he was okay. He didn’t need a dad.

“Alex… Um…” John said tentatively. He rubbed the back of his neck. His leg was bouncing. “There was… There is something I wanted to ask you”

John reached out to grab his hand on the table, intertwining their fingers together. Alex let him, although he wasn’t a big fan of hand holding. Too romantic.

“Hey, it’s okay” Alex replied. And, to emphasize his point, he ran his thumb across John’s knuckles. He saw his shoulders drop at the gesture, tension leaving his body. “You know I’d help you hide a body”

“I wanted to know—” John’s voice got caught in his throat. “What do you think about… marriage?”

Oh.

Oh, no, no.

Alexander froze. He felt the color leave his face, his shoulders tensing. He quietly retracted his hand from John’s and placed it on his lap.

What did he think of marriage?

“Well…” he bit his lip, his leg bouncing as he fiddled with the sleeves of his hoodie. John was looking at him with big, expectant eyes, and Alex loved him—hell, he loved him, and he didn’t want to hurt his feelings. “I mean, marriage sounds like a lot of fun, right? You get to have a sleepover every night with your best friend! How cool is that?”

Because that was it, right? He and John, the person he loved the most, probably, would move in together, share a bed, eat together, fuck more often, oh! They could have all kinds of political debates… Those were fun. And bitch about Jefferson together. Surely, it sounded like an awesome concept. To live with our best friend for the rest of your life.

But… The idea of being… _husbands_ … of being _married_ …

John chuckled nervously.

“I think we’d be a little more than best friends, _love_ ”

And Alexander shouldn’t have said anything, but…

“Why?” He asked. “I like being best friends. We’re fine like that”

John forced a smile.

“Alex, we’re not friends”

His stomach dropped.

“What…?”

“We’re lovers. Boyfriends. We’re in love”

Every word was like a nail being hammered into his skull.

“I don’t see how the two can be exclusive” Alex countered. “What’s the difference, even? I mean, if I had to choose, I would much rather be your best friend than your lover”

He realized a second too late that he had, in fact, uttered those words.

He froze, for a second time, blood going cold.

John stared at him, wide eyed, his jaw hanging open, and Alexander realized in that moment that the damage he had caused was irreparable.

Something was broken and could not be fixed.

“John…”

He loved John. He really did. He was funny an hot headed and as crazy as him… artistic, sensitive, always up for revolution, would punch a nazi. He was perfect!

They were best friends. They were boyfriends. Wasn’t that kind of the same thing?

“Are you breaking up with me?” John asked, with a weak, quivering string of voice that could snap at any moment.

“John… I meant—”

“What did you mean, Alexander?” He snapped, his eyes hard and unforgiving. “What did you mean? Because I heard you well”

“John…”

“You’d rather be my… _friend_ , than my lover?” The word sounded like acid in his mouth. His voice was rising, and where Alexander would usually raise his head to seam bigger and louder, he only felt smaller. “Oh, please, enlighten me, Mr. Law Student. What was the double meaning of the sentence?”

“There’s nothing wrong with being best friends!” Alex insisted. “We’ve been best friends for ages!”

“’Best friends’. Come on, Alex, you’re not five”

The words hurt. His tone of voice hurt. The confusion hurt. That different John felt about him?

Alex looked down at his almost empty coffee cup.

For once in his life, he didn’t know what to say.

John shook his head.

“I need to go”

He walked to the bar and paid there. Alex didn’t look up when he left, although he could feel his eyes on him.

A few hours later he would realize that the surprise John had for him would have been a proposal.

…

Alexander walked aimlessly though the crowded streets of New York. He put on his hood and didn’t lift his eyes from the ground. He crossed the street without looking.

What the hell had happened? What the hell had he done!?

Did he just lose John?

Oh, no, no, no, no…

No, he couldn’t lose John.  He couldn’t lose his best friend. They’d been together for years, years… John had been there for him whenever his foster parents got too violent with him, he had showed him life was worth living, he showed him there was worth and beauty in him. He showed him he was loveable. And he loved him. He loved that little shit, his recklessness and his art and how he was so moved by simple beauty, tearing up looking at paintings and listening to songs. And his companionship, how they seemed to be in tune, always in the same musical key… At least, before.

He wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. He hadn’t even realized he’d been crying.

What had he done? He had told the truth. John Laurens was his best friend. And since they started dating, things had been different. Too many kisses. Too much closeness. Too romantic.

Romantic… Romance. Was that—? Alex loved John, and John loved Alex, and Alex… did John love him in a different way?

True, Alex had never liked kisses, or romantic movies, or pet names… He didn’t like it when John said he was beautiful. John was objectively good looking, too, but it never felt right to call him _beautiful_.

Just some quirks. He was normal. It was because most of the couples he had known were toxic. Most of his foster parents hated each other. But… George and Martha loved each other dearly. Laf and Hercules loved each other dearly. Eliza and Maria loved each other dearly.

And he loved John dearly, too!

Did he really feel so different?

There was a loud car honk, someone yelling at him, and Alex absently recognized being in the middle of the street. He quickened his pace.

Romance… Love… Wanting to _fucking marry_ someone… Being in love… _Being in love,_ Was that not what he was feeling? Was that what John was feeling?

He realized with a drop of his stomach that if that was it, then he had never been in love.

He had ever been in love? Was that was being in love meant? Sure, he had dated Eliza for a few months, years back, but he didn’t feel much different with her than with John: they were close friends, and they enjoyed each other’s company. The difference lay in the years of friendship they shared: with Eliza, only one. With John, almost a decade by then. His high school crushes were… Had he ever had high school crushes? He couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember making the first move in any of his relationships, simply accepting dates and kisses.

He wasn’t in love with John. He had never been in love with John.

God, what had he done?

He sobbed loudly, and bit into his fist to mute the cries.

He had hurt John. He had hurt John oh fuck he had hurt the one person he loved the most in this fucking world he had played with his heart he had betrayed his best friend—

He walked into someone. Or someone walked into him. He lost the balance and would have fallen on his face if it weren’t for a hand on his arm.

“Alexander?”

Aaron Burr was looking at him with eyes full of worry. Alexander realized he still had tears running down his face.

“Hi, Aaron” he said, because he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Are you okay?” Aaron asked. “What happened?”

Alex pulled his arm away from his grip and took a step back.

“John broke up with me” he said. “Or—Or I broke up with John! I don’t know! I—I don’t know what I did! I just—” his voice cracked. “I just lost my best friend”

Tears gathered in his eyes again and he took deep, heavy breaths to keep himself from breaking down into sobbing.

“Hey… Hey, it’s okay” Aaron awkwardly placed a hand on his shoulder. “I know I’m not the best for these kinds of things, but if you want to talk…”

Alex blinked, surprised. He knew he was doing it out of pity, but it was a nice gesture and damn, did he need it.

He nodded.

“That would be nice”

…

Alexander followed Aaron in his quick, uncertain walk to a mysterious destination, and in the entire journey he didn’t stop talking.

“We were talking about shitty teachers, and all of the sudden he asks me what I think of marriage—And I don’t know how to answer him!” he told him. “I never—I never thought about it. And I tell him…” He swallowed thick. “I tell him I thought it was cool to live for the rest of your life with your best friend”

And Aaron listened to him, forever patient. He usually grew irritated of Alex’s nonsensical blabbering, and he would constantly tell him to talk less. But not today, it seemed.

“And I imagine he didn’t take it very well”

Alex shook his head.

“He—He got angry. God, fuck, he had never gotten _that_ angry at me. And you know it’s easy to get angry at me!”

Aaron nodded.

“Yes, I have some experience on the field”

“And—” Alex proceeded, ignoring him. “H—He said we weren’t friends, because we were dating. I don’t how you can _not_ be friends with the person you’re dating! Why would two people be dating if they weren’t friends?”

“It’s called being in love, Alexander”

Alex’s feet stopped, frozen to the ground. He couldn’t bring himself to speak.

Aaron turned around, and gave him the same worried look from before. He probably couldn’t believe he had gotten Alex to stop talking.

“I know” Alex finally murmured. “I—I know”

He forced his feet to resume the walking. They turned around a corner and kept walking down the street, the tall apartment buildings watching over them like ancient urban gods, judging their every move.

“Where are we going?” Alex asked.

Aaron took a second to give him an answer.

“I need to pick something up”

They stopped at a building that didn’t seem to have anything special. It wasn’t very modern, but not old exactly. Inside, the light bulbs were buzzing and flickering, the air was cold and there were humidity stains in the ceiling.

“You wait here” Aaron said, gesturing at the hall. “I’ll be back in no time and then we can go grab some drinks or something”

Alex would have never thought Aaron Burr was the drinking type, and he found stupid the idea of drinking in the morning, but he didn’t question him. He watched him climb up the stairs, and he waited for several minutes, fiddling with his sleeves and untying and tying his hair. When Aaron returned, Alex realized they weren’t having any drinks that day.

He was holding a little girl’s hand (she mustn’t be older than six), and they looked so similar, in the instant it was clear they were related. Probably his sister?

“Drinks are cancelled, I guess” Alex said. Aaron gave him a disapproving look.

“There was a change in the plans” He explained. He gestured at the little girl. “Alex, this is my daughter, Theodosia” he gestured to the little girl. He looked down at her “Theo, this is Alexander. We live together”

Wait, what?

“Hello, sir” the little girl offered her hand, and Alex shook it, confused.

“Um, hi” he said.

Aaron Burr had a _daughter_?

He made some quick math in his head, and judging by her apparent age, he realized that Aaron must have been so, so young…

“I’ll explain later” he said. He turned to Theodosia again. “Now, what were you asking?”

“A piggy back ride!” The little girl exclaimed, jumping with excitement.

Aaron chuckled as he kneeled down so she could climb on his back. Alex observed them from a respectful distance, how happy they both looked. It was a side of Aaron he had never seen before.

“There?” Aaron asked her. “You ready?”

Theodosia nodded.

“Ready”

…

They walked all the way to the apartment like that: Alex, silenced in awe, and Aaron carrying his daughter on his back. Alex wondered what he did not to look exhausted, because little kids were heavier than one might think, and he managed to carry her _all the fucking way_. It was truly admirable.

Meanwhile, Theo and Aaron were in a very animated conversation.

“And then, I read them _two whole chapters_! And everyone was clapping! And the teacher gave be a golden star!”

Aaron smiled like the happiest fool on earth.

“That’s amazing, sweetheart!” He said. Alex couldn’t help but smile at them. “Which book was it again?”

Theo giggled.

“Percy Jackson! I already told you, dad!”

“But there are many Percy Jackson books”

Her eye widened.

“There are _more_!?”

Alex opened the building door for Burr. He didn’t put Theo on the ground until they reached the stairs.

“Now, that was a lot of fun, but you’re going to have to walk this part yourself”

Theo pouted.

“But it’s the worst part!” She complained.

“I know” Aaron said. “That’s why you have to do it yourself. I can’t walk for two”

Despite her protests, little Theo did follow them up three floors of stairs with little complain. Aaron promised her ice cream once they got there, which was unfair, because he had told Alex they had ran out of ice cream. Once inside, she plummeted on the couch with such confidence and familiarity, Alex wondered if Aaron had brought her over before without telling him. It would explain why their fridge was always empty.

Alex had wanted to lock himself in his room, probably work on his essay or cry his eyes out, but Aaron was about to cook something for lunch and Alex was _not_ going to let him decide what they should eat for the next three or so days.

It dawned to him as he turned on the oven how much had happened in only one day. Should he call John and explain? Or would John feel cheated. And, honestly, hadn’t he been a bit cheated? But Alex didn’t know he didn’t know what he did wrong really he didn’t want to hurt anyone—

“I know you always criticize my ‘American Cooking’” Aaron said, next to him. “But I think I can be trusted with some burgers”

Alex’s attention returned to the frying pan and the burgers he was working on.

“I wouldn’t trust you to make juice” Alex said. “When I leave, you’re going to come looking for me, begging that I cook something for you”

Aaron nodded, not really paying much attention.

“Right”

Alex put the frying pan on the fire and they stayed in silence for a moment. Little Theo was reading her book in the couch. The kitchen and the living room were both in the same room (it could hardly be called a living room. It was only a living room because it had a couch, a TV and a bookcase), so everything could be heard.

“You said you wouldn’t be home until ten tonight” Alex casually said.

Aaron shrugged.

“Like I said, there was a change in the plans”

Alex glanced at Theo.

“Is that why she’s here?”

Aaron nodded, but didn’t add anything else. In the couch, Theo gasped at whatever she was reading.

“Could you put on some music?” Alex asked.

Their taste in music was probably the only thing they had in common. Aaron put on the Les Misérables soundtrack on his phone (they didn’t have any speakers yet) and turned on the volume.

“You… Um…” Alex began. He gestured at Theo with his head. “You have a daughter”

Aaron’s demeanor suddenly changed. He put his weight in both legs, straightened his back and crossed his arms.

“Yes, I do” he said.

“I didn’t know” Alex continued.

“I never told you”

“This isn’t the first time she’s been here, right?

Aaron clenched his jaw.

“She’s my daughter”

“No, no, I know. I get it. I just don’t know why you’ve been hiding her from me” He looked up from the pan. “I mean, I might be wrong, but you act like she’s your pride and joy”

“She is”

“Yet I’ve never heard you talking about her. Hell, if I had a kid, I wouldn’t shut up about them. Even the robots in Mars would know how proud I’m of my kid”

Aaron shrugged.

“It just never came up”

Alex sighed and returned to the burgers. Aaron wasn’t a very talkative person and, for the first time in a long, long time, he wasn’t in the mood of starting a fight.

His mind was occupied by the fluttering thought that, without a boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever… How would he have a kid? He had always wanted to have a kid. He’d love to be a dad. Not yet, of course. But someday. He even had a mental list of all the things he wanted to be as a dad. The opposite of how he had been raised, of course.

Sure, single parents were a thing, but could he really raise a kid on his own?

It was almost funny, he had started to think about having kids with John before the question of marriage ever came up.

“Okay, what’s wrong?” Aaron suddenly asked.

“Uh?”

“I tell you something you don’t like and you just drop it” He explained. “No insistence, no arguing, no turning anything into a political debate…” He took a step closer so they could talk more quietly. He discreetly turned up the volume. “I’m not going to force you to talk, but—”

“I think I might me sick” Alexander dropped suddenly.

Aaron furrowed his eyebrows.

“Sick how?”

“Sick in the head. Sick as in ‘I can’t fucking feel love’, Aaron” Alex said through gritted teeth. “Sick as in ‘I’ve never realized I wasn’t in love with my boyfriend until he almost proposed to me—’”

His voice cracked. He closed his eyes and took two deep breaths before continuing.

“I fucked up. I really fucked up”

He bit down his trembling lip. Aaron absently shifted in his place.

“One doesn’t really choose who to fall in love with, Alexander” he said. “It’s out of our control”

Alex whimpered.

“But I realized—I realized I’ve never been in love with _anyone_ ” and his eyes were watering again. “I—I can’t feel love”

“You do know romantic love isn’t the only kind of love, right?” Aaron insisted. He glanced at Theodosia, still reading in the couch. “I love her more than anything. I love her more than I ever loved her mother”

And it was off-topic, but his curiosity got the best of him.

“What happened to her mother?”

Aaron shrugged.

“She’s married”

“Oh”

Alex decided to return his attention to the food. He put a slice of cheese on each burger.

“How old is she?”

“Six”

He swallowed.

“And how old are you?”

He looked up and, like a brutal slap, he was met by Aaron’s ice cold eyes glaring at me.

“You know how old I am, Hamilton” he said. “And I’d rather not talk about this”

Twenty-Two. Aaron was Twenty Two. Which means he must have been only sixteen when little Theo was born.

Alex tried to imagine himself at sixteen with a baby. Life at sixteen had already been hard enough on his own. But taking care of another human being?

Soon the food was done. Theo talked non-stop, about school and her friends and Percy Jackson (was it a proper book for six-years-olds? Who knows!), and Aaron listened to her patiently and lovingly. Alex had never seen him smile so wide, or for so long, or so honestly. Aaron Burr was a master of fake smiles, but this wasn’t the case. He even laughed, something Alex had never seen him do before.

But she didn’t only talk. She also listened. She even asked questions.

“What are you studying?” She asked Alex with big eyes.

“Me? I’m studying law. Just like your dad”

“Ooooh” She took a bite of her burger. She looked up at Aaron. “What’s that?”

Aaron chuckled.

“Well, it’s what the people who make laws study”

“You can _make a law_!?” She exclaimed, delighted with this new knowledge. “Dad, you could make wars illegal!”

Alex couldn’t help but laugh.

“Well, I promise I’ll try, sweetheart” Aaron said, ruffling her hair.

When they finished, since Alex had cooked, Aaron would have been the one to do the dishes, if Theo hadn’t volunteered first.

“I need to learn to take care of myself for when I go to college” she said with determination. Aaron had to bring her a chair to stand on so she could reach the sink. It was adorable.

“Your kid has big plans” Alex commented.

Aaron smiled.

“She’s getting far, that’s for sure”

Alex left to the room he shared with Aaron. Maybe working on his essay may help get his mind out of all the bullshit going on.

They didn’t have beds yet. And, honestly, Alex didn’t see the need. There were two mattresses directly on the floor, each on opposite walls of the room. Their belonging were either on bags or in boxes in the corners. Everything that mattered to Alexander was on his backpack. Alex had managed to hang some band and movie posters on his wall (Queen, Les Mis, a XVIII Century style map of the Caribbean, even a Game of Thrones poster). Aaron had insisted that they got a desk, although Alex considered it a waste of money.

“I am not working on the floor, Alexander” he had said, dead serious.

So Alex sat down on the desk Aaron had bought behind his back a month before and started writing.

When he wrote, he fell into some kind of trance. He lost all awareness of time and space, all his emotions pushed to the back of his head. It was an essay on the history of American politics, which would later be reviewed by Washington, and Alex knew very well what kind of essays Washington liked. He also knew Washington expected something great from Alexander. Most of his teachers in high school had just wanted him to do the minimum required, and went as far as to reprimand him if he ever went too deep or wrote too much. But not Washington. No, Washington would lend him book after book (one or two of which were still hidden deep inside Alex’s backpack, taken care of with fondness), he would read and listen to everything he had to say. It was people like Washington and John, people he felt comfortable, safe, at home with, what made high school remotely bearable.

God, John.

It all came back again.

Not in love with John. Pfft. That was ridiculous. They had been together for two years. Before, they had been friends for longer. And sure, Alex didn’t like some things they did, like going on dates or kissing, or pet names. But hey, it just wasn’t his cup of tea. He enjoyed John’s company a lot more when they were playing videogames and bickering like kids, or eating pizza together at 3 am, or arm wrestling. He remembered that one time, having sex in the couch, and Alex’s brain betrayed him, and he imagined they were simply friends with benefits. He liked the idea more than he would want to admit. It was a fantasy that cracked with every _‘baby’_ or _‘love’_ or _‘cielo’_. Or that time John convinced him to get into a supermarket chart and they ran around the parking lot with Laf and Hercules for about two hours, drunk as hell and dying of laughter. Like best friends.

Maybe he just wasn’t a very _romantic_ person. The idea of spending the rest of his life with John filled him with happiness, but if that meant acting the way they acted, if that meant being… being in a relationship? But—how can you spend the rest of your life with someone without being in a relationship? That didn’t make any sense.

Spending the rest of their lives together as best friends. It was stupid. John had said it himself, he wasn’t a kid.

 _‘Best friends’_. It sounded so dumb in his head.

He somewhere remembered Aaron’s words. _‘You do know romantic love isn’t the only kind of love, right?’_

But… But, hey, he loved John. And—and people did things they didn’t quite like for the people they loved. And he just—he couldn’t lose him. He would do anything in this world not to lose him.

With trembling hands, he grabbed with phone and dialed John’s number.

At first, John hung up on him, and Alex wanted to cry. He almost did.

_(God he had fucked up so bad John hated him his best friend hated him he had lost him he had lost him he had—)_

Alex called two more times, and let out a tiny sob when John finally answered.

“What do you want, Alexander?” He asked, his tone hard and cold.

“I—” his voice cracked. “I’m sorry”

There was think silence. All he could hear were his heartbeats.

“Sorry for fucking around with me?” John demanded. “Sorry for _playing_ with me? For making me believe you loved me back—?”

There was a sob, and Alex realized with a shiver that John was crying as well. He could physically feel his heart crack.

_This is your fault._

“John…”

“You said it yourself” He muttered. “You said it yourself. We’ve been friends for years”

“I—”

“But turns out, I’m a fucking game to you, aren’t I?”

“No! No, you’re not—”

“Because next thing I know, my boyfriend never love me. He just _pretended_ he did to torture me”

“That’s not true!” Alex cried. “I didn’t—I didn’t _pretend_ to love you, John. I just didn’t—didn’t know…”

“Didn’t know what, Alexander?”

Alex took a deep breath to hold back the sobs.

“I didn’t know I wasn’t in love with you”

“Well, what a time to realize it. Two years into our relationship, _right_ when I’m about to—” he cut himself. “Never mind. Go back to Eliza, go find yourself a girlfriend you do love or something”

Alex shook his head.

“I wasn’t—I don’t think I was in love with Eliza, either”

“Oh, so the entire world is just a game for you? You fuck around with every boy and girl you find? I mean, I knew bisexuals were greedy, but I didn’t know it went so far”

Alex felt his stomach drop. Now, _that_ hurt. That really hurt.

“John, please… I can’t—I don’t think I’ve ever… fallen in love with anyone. No girl or boy”

“So you’re telling me you have a condition in which you _can’t_ feel love?” John insisted. “That’s low, even for you, Alexander. That’s the shittiest excuse I’ve ever heard”

“It’s not—”

“So you were only with me for the sex, huh? Everything is always about sex for you. It’s all you ever think about”

“That’s not true!” Alex sobbed. He bit his knuckle and forced his body to calm down.

Silence, only for a second.

“Why did you call me, Alexander?” John asked.

“I wanted…” He swallowed. “I wanted to tell you that I can try”

Silence.

“Try what?”

“Try… Try being in love with you” he said. “I love you. I’ll do anything. I’ll marry you if that’s what you want. Just… Just…”

He sobbed again. His hand flew to his head to painfully pull at his hair.

John sighed at the other side of the line.

“Goodnight, Alexander”

And with that, he hung up.

The clock in the wall marked the 6 pm. How long had he spent writing and wallowing in his misery?

He wasn’t hungry. He didn’t want to eat. He needed to finish his essay. Half an hour after writing less than he would usually write in that space of time, he remembered Aaron had asked him to cook, but he hoped his change in plans would allow him the time to make his own food.

He kept writing. And writing. But his mind was somewhere else.

Part of him wanted to curl into a ball, hide under the blankets of his bed and cry himself to sleep. The other part of him didn’t want to think about anything.

He wrote for two more hours. His hand was aching, but he didn’t really care.

He really wanted to talk to a friend. He could call Laf, or Hercules, but they were so obsessed with each other—they had a date that night, right? He was sure they had told him something about a date. Eliza was the last person to talk to when it came to ex-partners, he would only feel guilty, and he would probably end up confessing he had never loved her, either, and fuck up what was left of their fragile friendship, and Angelica would offer him ten hundred possible solutions to the problem and zero emotional comfort. She looked at everything from such an objective point of view, she would bring up how John feels, explain his reasoning and give him a fucking psychoanalysis and that would only make Alex feel worse.

So Alex’s finger hovered over the contact buttons on his screen, not touching anything. He stared at his friend’s names, and for a second of striking panic he wondered if they would leave him when they found out—

He got a notification. A message. From _Aaron Burr_. Aaron Burr, who was supposedly in the other room.

Frowning, he tapped the notification.

Two messages. They read:

 **_No Fun Allowed:_ ** _I found this. I thought you might find it interesting._

 **_No Fun Allowed:_ ** _[Link]_

Alex bit down his lip. He hesitated for a moment before clicking.

_“An **aromantic**  is a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others. Where romantic people have an emotional need to be with another person in a romantic relationship, aromantics are often satisfied with friendships and other non-romantic relationships. What distinguishes romantic relationships from a non-romantic relationships can vary diversely, but often includes physical connection (holding hands, cuddling, etc.) The aromantic attribute is usually considered to be innate and not a personal choice, just as the lack of sexual attraction is innate to asexuals. It is important to note that aromantics do not lack emotional/personal connection, but simply have no instinctual need to develop connections of a romantic nature. Aromantics can have needs for just as much empathetic support as romantics, but these needs can be fulfilled in a platonic way.”_

Alexander blinked. A million thoughts running through his head, the gears, dials, pistons in his brain working and creaking and producing vapor and smoke like an industrial machine, trying to process the new information, the sparkling, wild, stupid idea—his first thought, it sounded stupid, forced, _fake_ , even. Something made up. And he would have maybe kept that thought, if it wasn’t because—because it was a confirmation, maybe? Because it was like receiving a message—literally receiving a message—that said _‘This is true. This is real’_. But it wasn’t, right? Come on, no one could really _not feel love—_ not that kind, at least, right? It was human nature. But— But—

He rolled the word on his tongue, without making a sound.

_‘Aromantic’_

So it was—it was a thing? It was possible?

He reread it again. And again. It was a wiki article, from a place called AVEN. He kept reading.

_“It is possible for an aromantic individual to be involved in, and enjoy, a devoted relationship with another person, but these relations are often closer friendships, naturally reflecting the closeness of the two individuals and not a purposely initiated monogamous separation as is often found in romantic couples. Aromantics may experience squishes which are the aromantic or platonic equivalent of a romantic crush. When an aromantic gets into a relationship that's more than friends - but less than romantic - that is known as a queerplatonic relationship._

_Like all romantic identities aromantics can be of any sexual orientation.”_

So that—that was possible too?

He imagined—for a moment, only for a free, fantastic, happy moment—a life like that, shared with John. Best friends. Living together. Raising a kid. For the rest of their lives as best friends. He smiled, his eyes watering.

It was almost too much. Like the gates had opened, a new world of possibilities and new terms were revealed and everything new new _new_.

He slowly rose from his chair and went to the kitchen-living room, where he found Aaron and Theo on the couch, watching a movie.

He stood there for a moment, almost like waiting. When Aaron’s eyes met his, he raised an eyebrow at Alex, and Alex strode towards him, sat next to him and pulled him into a hug.

Aaron tensed for a second, confused, but then awkwardly returned the hug, patting Alex’s

back.

“Thank you” Alex whispered in his ear, tightening his arms around him.

“You’re welcome” Aaron replied, uncomfortable.

Alex pulled away, but kept his hands on Aaron’s shoulders.

“Like, seriously, it means a lot. This day has been hell and the fact that you don’t only listen but take the time to care…”

“Dad?” Theo asked. “Is Alex okay?”

Alex chuckled.

“I think he is” Aaron said to his daughter.

“I am” Alex reassured her. It wasn’t completely true, but he was feeling a bit better.

Alex let go of Aaron’s shoulders and made himself comfortable in the couch, inviting himself into the movie night, and wrapping a blanket around himself.

“So?” he gestured to the TV. “What are we watching?”

“Theo wanted to watch Mulan again” Aaron explained.

“Hey, Mulan is a great movie!”  Alex argued.

“It is!” Theo exclaimed.

Alex held up his hand and Theo hi-fived him with a laugh.

“You two are friends now?” Aaron asked, rolling his eyes. “God help me”

“Hush” Alex said. He let his head fall on Aaron’s shoulder. “Be a good pillow and press play”

Theo laughed, and Aaron couldn’t help but laugh, too. Alex was mesmerized by the fact that Aaron Burr was capable of feeling joy.

‘Aromantic’. It sounded crazy. And incredibly hopeful. Alex still wasn’t sure that was what he was. Aromantic. Maybe he was just confused. Who knows?

But just knowing it existed…

Yeah, he felt a little bit better.


End file.
